Never let go.

I have been struggling for the past couple weeks with my career choice. As I am sure most of you know, I started my social work field placement at the end of August. I am an intern at an agency in Milwaukee that offers support to parents and families. Most of the families who come are at a higher risk of potentially abusing their children because of stress factors like poverty, single parenthood, mental illness or disabilities. Some participants are ordered by the court to attend parenting classes, or support groups in order to get back custody of their children. 

I was super excited to get this placement. Undergrad placements dealing with families are somewhat rare, and since I want to work with children and their parents one day, it was a perfect fit. 

I always thought of the issue of child abuse, or neglect as pretty straight forward. If parents abused their kids, give the kids to another family. Children abusers were pretty much the worst of the worse in my book. And people who sexually abused children might as well be hung in the public square. My excessive love of Law and Order: SVU only made that opinion stronger.
Then I started working at my agency. A part of our agency is supervised visits. Basically I take notes on visits that happen between non-custodial parents ad their kids or between parents who have had their children removed from their custody by the state. I try to stay impartial as I watch a parent's heart break or a toddler who cries as he is driven away.
Slowly I have begun to feel the hard feelings slip away as my heart tries to understand the lives of those parents. I have began to think that maybe the issue is not as straight forward and easy to execute as I once thought. I have began to wonder if I want to do this for the rest of my life. And, after seeing some hopeless cases, I have started to wonder if the pain is worth it.
These were the thoughts I was having last week, as I drove home from my internship. I was struggling with my anger that some people who appeared to by trying to succeed just keep messing up. It made me sad, because these people were clearly making the same mistakes over and over again, and I want them so badly to change that it was making ME emotionally tired. I felt made because it seemed that I cared more about their lives than they do. And then a horribly overplayed Christian song on the radio broke through my thoughts. The song was, "Never Let Go". I heard it like it was the first time I ever had.
The only reason I am not an abusive, alcoholic parent was because God hadn't given up on me. He hadn't given up on my mom when she was completely living for herself. He hadn't given up on my Dad, whose intellectual workaholic self had blocked him out for so long. And he had absolutely no intention of giving up on these people I am now working with, or the people I will work with. He sees EVERY singly mistake and the horrible consequences that follow. Every single moment millions of people He Loves are hurt, hurt others and hurt themselves. And EVERY single time that happens He is yelling... "Alright, I believe in you! You can change! We can do this! Let me help you! We can do this together! Here I am, let me help!" And time and time again we don't listen to Him and we fail and then it starts again... "You can do it this time! Just let me help..."
I was reminded of Peter, Jesus' friend. On the day Jesus needed him the most he had one of the most epic betrayals in history. Peter said, "No, I don't know Jesus." (his best friend) not once, not twice, but three times. The next time Jesus saw him he didn't say, "Well, you blew it. That's it. I give up on your sorry a**." Jesus told Peter he would build his entire church in Peter. Jesus even gave him a name that means rock. And look what Peter did. Maybe knowing how much his best friend believed in him helped him accomplish all he did in his life.

Now, I am by no means Jesus. But, in all I do I will strive to follow the examples he set for me.

So, maybe this is the perfect career for me. Not the easiest, but the most perfect.

who will I be?

I want to be:

1.a passionate wife

2. an encouraging mother

3. a lover and friend of Jesus

4. an "over" committed social worker

5. a loyal friend

6. a relentless warrior for the weak

7. a fierce defender of just causes

8. a grateful coffee drinker

9. a bread baking grandma

10. a trusting risk taker

11. a generous lover

12. an admiring daughter

13. a joyful dancer

14. an unashamed singer

grateful coffee drinker

14 has been my favorite number for a long time, it seemed fitting. 

adventures in the great wide somewhere (Aug. 8th)

note: I wrote this on August 8th,  but my computer wasn't letting me upload pictures. And, I couldn't post without pictures. So, here you go finally. 


I can't help but think about what I was doing a year ago today. 

I was on an adventure. 

I love adventures. I love seeing new places and meeting new kinds of people. I love trying to understand a new culture. I love trying new foods and smelling the new smells. It is just my favorite thing ever. 

I also love coming home. I have people I would never want to leave for a long time. I love where I live. I love my life at home.... I just want an adventure every once and awhile. 

A year ago I was in Thailand. I volunteered to help lead a 2 week trip there before I got engaged. Then I ended up getting engaged 5 months before the trip. I left for 2 weeks, 2 months before my wedding. Let's just say it was a little crazy. I left right when the preparations started to get really intense. 

Looking back I can see that leaving for Thailand was a great thing to happen. I needed to step away from thinking about myself every minute of the day. In my opinion, planning a wedding can make a perfectly normal person into a very selfish one. I needed to step back and trust other people to handle some things. I needed to trust my life at home to Matt. I needed to spend some time thinking about some of the other 6 billion people in the world. 

It wasn't easy being away for 2 weeks. I thought about Matt approximately every 30 seconds. I thought about my wedding every 2 minutes. I thought about my new apartment that Matt was moving into without me every 5 minutes. I am so grateful that God gave me an opportunity to step back and spend some time with him on an amazing adventure. 

I love Thailand. The people are just so darn smiley. There are beautiful buildings. The street food is out of this world. The beaches in Pattaya are some of the most amazing beaches I have ever seen. The shopping in Pattaya was super fun. The outdoor markets are full of beautiful flowers, crazy bizarre fruit, stalls of glistening meats, scary fish and friendly Thai people selling their goods. 
The other side of Thailand, and especially Pattaya is incredibly sad and dark. Pattaya Thailand is the sex tourism capitol of the world. Men come from all over the world to pay to sleep with Thai women and even children sometimes. Prostitution is technically illegal in Thailand. But, since the police also benefit from the industry it is rarely enforced. The whole economy of Pattaya is based on Prostitution. 

The worst area for prostitution is Walking street. This street is closed to vehicles at night (hence, walking street) and basically turns into a sexual free-for-all. (except, you have to pay) The street is lined with "bars", which are basically places to get a prostitute. Hundreds of drunken white people stumble around while hundreds of Thai women hope to make enough money that night to take care of their families. 

We spent a night at Walking Street while in Pattaya. We worked with a part of YWAM Thailand, called Tamar Center. They work with prostitutes to try and get them out of the industry, give them another way of life and disciple them. They go to Walking Street on a regular basis to reach out to the women. The women in our group went with them one night. We were broke up into teams of two. Every team had at least one Thai speaker. I went with a Thai woman who works at the Tamar Center. She spoke Thai and a TINY bit of English. We went into a bar and sat down to order a coke. It just so happened that one of the women were we sat spoke English very well. I ended up having an hour long conversation with her about everything under the sun. She was absolutely beautiful in every way and loved practicing her English with me. A year later I can't tell you everything we talked about, but some things will be with me forever. She was 21 years old, from Northern Thailand. She grew up with a mom, a dad and a sister. Her family lived out in the country and had what sounded like a small farm. They also grew plants. She had come to Thailand a few months before. She told me about the friends she lived with. I told her about my upcoming wedding and where I lived. She told me she liked her coffee strong with a lot of milk, just like me. She told me she didn't really like working in the bar because she was always out so late with men and always felt tired. 

My heart broke. 

This was a girl just like me. She was outgoing and funny. We talked for an hour, like best of friends. We had so much in common. I would have liked to seen her the next day, and the next. It would have been fun to go the beach with her, or go to the outdoor market, or even just sit down and get some coffee. In that hour of talking and sharing she had become my friend. 
My friend couldn't go to the beach or get coffee with me. She needed to sell her body, possibly multiple times that night. She would be raped and quite probably abused. She would probably turn to drugs or alcohol to get through the pain. She might get pregnant and have a half white baby to take care of. She would probably not know what it was like to plan a wedding. She would probably not go to school or have big dreams for her life. She would probably never know what love truly is. 
In these ways she was very different from me. 

Even know, I look back to that night with tears streaming down my face. My heart was forever changed. My spirit was softened to the cries of these women longing to experience the love of a savior. 

Ever since that night my heart has been looking for a way to help. Every paper since then has somehow been tied to sex trafficking and slavery. It is everywhere. America, Asia, Europe, Milwaukee. 
Lucky for me, in a year I will be a social worker. I have a secret dream. Do you want to hear it?
I want to open a home for girls who are in the sex trade and want to come out. 
I have never really told that to anyone. But, I do so very much. I want to counsel them and show them true love. I want to wrap them up in my arms, let them cry and then take them out for coffee, like I never got to do with my friend in Thailand. 

That is what I took away from Thailand. Isn't God cool? I love the dreams He gives me. They make me so excited!

I will leave you with some pictures from my trip. I hope they bring you joy, like they bring me. 

first picture in Thailand! SUPER EXCITED!!!

I told you... AMAZING fruit. 

me and Kate, about to eat some amazing baked goods

crafts with the youth group

riding in the back of the truck to church

outdoor market... LOVE THEM!

I ate one of those. :)

I love these people we were praying for. They have opened a place for children to come at night to be safe from pedophiles and other things. We cleaned and painted with them. 

one of the highest concentrations of pedophile activity in the world... and I got to pray and sing right here. God is so good!

working with women at an English class at Tamar center. This is Mook. 

Walking Street

a peek into a bar... these are all prostitutes

the kids waving goodbye as we left the slum after the kids program

our team after painting and cleaning all day

about to get a Thai massage... there is a God!!!

these kids were great!

this was not enjoyable in the LEAST!

such a beautiful place

at the beach!

the magic coffee cart with the best coffee in the world!

the street Tamar Center is on, surrounded by brothels on all sides.

another English class with women... I LOVED these. 

gourmet buffet in the tallest building in Bangkok on our last night... YES PLEASE!

LOVE these friends so much!

leaving for the airport!

Honeymoon Part III

Here is the last installment of the tale of our honeymoon. 

So, after spending 3  days being tourists in the city of Seattle we left the city to drive to Matt's grandma's house near Port Townsend, Washington.

We went back to the airport to get our rental car (which we loved) and set out on the 2 hour drive around the sound and up the peninsula to the little gated community in the woods. Yes, Washington is very much like a geography class. 

The drive there was absolutely beautiful, and very reminiscent of the UP, except there were WAY more flower gardens and way less cars parked in the lawn. All the roads were surrounded by tall pine trees except for when there was a view of the ocean sound. The woods are my favorite. I grew up in the woods. And sometimes living in the rolling cornfields of southern Wisconsin makes me miss my woods so much. I could live in Washington, with the amazing pine trees. 

Then we got to grandma's house. The first thing I saw were the flowers. She has one of the most beautiful flower gardens I have seen in quite awhile. They are gorgeous, as is the rest of her house. And, as is she. 

I really, really like Matt's grandma. She is pretty fun. She lives in a house with a room called "the library", how could I not think of her as a kindred spirit? She is educated and very well traveled. She likes to read and play cards. All over her house are interesting souvenirs and fascinating artifacts from memories long past. We could talk for hours, and also sit in silence and feel no need to talk. So, it was a fantastic trip and I can't wait until we can come visit again. 

Matt and his grandma

We stayed with her for 4 days. We went whale watching. We played down by the beach. We explored Port Townsend. We played cards. We ate fantastic food. We had a great time. 

After leaving grandma's house we took the ferry across the sound back to Seattle. Then we drove to our great friend's house. Caleb and Kate went to Thailand with me a year ago, and we became very close. They are the funnest people to hang out with. We spent a lot of time hanging out at their house talking and laughing very hard. We spent our last day with them exploring the city one last time. And, of course, this included one last trip to the market. 

Matt and me with Kate and Caleb Miller

So, there are a few highlights from our trip. 

Here are my top 10 favorites from our honeymoon:

10. 

Our fancy dinner out to eat the best meal of our lives.

9. 

The weather. It was perfection for me!

8. 

Taking a boat out to an island and then strolling on the island in the sun.

7. 

Our fancy hotel, and having two beds. :)

6.

The ferry. It scared the crap outta me, but I grew to like it. 

5. 

The market! There is nothing more that needs to be said. 

4.

The plethora of Starbucks available! Including the VERY FIRST ONE!!!

3. 

Feeling like an adult and being able to make all my own decisions, and SUCCEEDING at it!!!

2.

Meeting more of Matt's family and realizing I REALLY like them. 

1.

Spending 10 days on a super fun adventure with my best friend (who I get to kiss).

One more thing...

Tomorrow is my birthday!!! 

honeymoon part II

So, I promised some more details of our honeymoon. Let me dive right in.

We flew to Seattle on May22nd. We woke up bright and early to get ready and hop on the city bus. We rode the bus to the airport. We got to the airport in time to get breakfast and for me to get a magazine for the trip. We walked onto the plane and flew a great flight out west. When we got to Seattle we grabbed our bags and hiked out to the train that would take us downtown to our hotel. As we got closer to downtown we disappeared under the pavement. We got off the train and came up to meet a misty rain and massively tall buildings and a lot of homeless people. Luckily we only had to walk a couple of blocks to our fancy hotel. 

We relaxed for a few minutes before heading out for the evening. This included a soak in the tub for me. It was glorious to be on our own schedule and take our time doing what we wanted to do. 

We walked down to the market. Our hotel was literally just up the street from

  Pike Place Market. Upon arrival my senses were completely overloaded. There were smells from every part of the world. French bakeries next to chinese fried food stands. Enormous bouquets of flowers perfumed the air between the smells of every kind of coffee. There was Polish, Russian, Chinese, Korean, French, Indian, Czech, Italian, American and Irish food all within a block. There was music coming from every street corner. There was a piano player, brass players, singer, violin and everything in between. There were people of every shape and size and color. Languages from Asia, Europe and the Americas mixed and formed a beautiful symphony of cultures. You could buy loose tea, used books, magic supplies, art, jewelry, hand knit sweaters, leather journals, comic books and a plethora of other treasures. 

This was my favorite part of Washington. 

I want to live here one day, if only for the joy of visiting this market. 

We choose Indian food for our first meal in WA.  They were curry wraps and mango lemonade. We ate watching the view of the sound. 

the flowers in this market are the prettiest I have ever seen. 

I want to learn how to cook stuff like this!

part of the maze of stairs and hallways that is Pike Place Market. 

The next couple of days we took in all the tourist sites of Seattle. But, I will save that for tomorrow. 

I will leave you with this thought: I never had much desire to move out of the midwest, that is until I visited Seattle. I can see myself living here. And, it makes me excited!!!

I'm back! (honeymoon part I)

I haven't written anything in about 2 months. That's a long time. When I started a blog I decided that if the pressure to write was stressing me out at all I would take a guilt free break. 

So, finals came and then the semester finished and then we went on our honeymoon and then summer got into full swing, which for me meant summer classes and work and busy weekends and a very hot week with no air conditioning. 

I think my life has finally settled into a nice summer schedule, also it is now only 74 degrees. 

I feeling like writing. 

This means I have to decide what I want to write about first. There are so many things I could tell you about that happened in the last 2 months. 

I have since got a haircut too!

I think the first thing we have to get out of the way is me telling you how awesome our honeymoon was. 

We got married in the middle of the fall semester. I literally drove home on a Wednesday afternoon (Matt come up on Thursday night), got married on Saturday and went back to school on Tuesday morning. So, we planned to go on our honeymoon right after Spring semester. It was a much needed vacation for both of us. 

We decided on going to Washington before we even got married. It is pretty much the only area of the country I haven't been to, and I had a feeling I would really like it. Matt has been there before, to see family and he really likes that area of the country. The idea of laying on a beach for a week does not seem very appealing at this point in my life. I would much rather spend my time exploring a new place, drinking coffee, going to museums and visiting fun shops. I also wanted to meet some more of Matt's family. His grandma lives in Port Townsend, which is a couple hour drive from downtown Seattle. His aunt and uncle live within a days drive as well. 

I have never planned a trip by myself before, so I was a little overwhelmed to put it lightly. But, I do believe I have discovered a new favorite thing. It was probably helpful watching my mom, the expert family trip planner, through the years. So, throughout the whole thing I would just keep asking myself, what would my mom do? And then I would do that. 

So, I booked the airplane tickets, booked the hotel, booked the rental car, found fun stuff to do and did it all on a pretty tight budget. 

So, the day to leave came and we took a bus to the airport. The butterflies in my stomach we trying their best to burst out of me. We got to the Milwaukee airport, checked in and had breakfast while we waited to leave. Then, we just got in the plane and flew to Seattle. And, the rest of the trip went pretty much just like that. Everything went PERFECTLY! I think we had one fight. It lasted about 15 minutes. We got to spend time alone together. We stayed in a fancy hotel. I took relaxing baths in our huge tub. We went out to eat at a fancy restaurant. We walked down to the market and wandered happily enjoying the sights and AMAZING smells. We than got to spend time with family, wonderfully fun family. We got to drive through gorgeous towering pine trees, ride a boat through the ocean, stroll around an island. We then got to spend a couple days with friends. We spent hours laughing and talking about fun memories and exciting plans for the future. Then we flew home. 

That is our trip in a nutshell. 

I will share some more fun details and stories later. 

I am a successful trip planner. I am an adult. There is really nothing I can't do. 

What you will hear about next time:

a trip to the space needle

Starbucks!!!!!!!!

a boat trip to an island

An Officer and A Gentleman

ferries

You will get to hear about all this and more... so stay tuned.