I am a perfectionist sometimes. This is something I have in common with my husband. There are some things I want so badly to be perfect that I never end up doing them. This is a huge reason behind my failure at most creative endeavors. This pertains to writing, scrap booking, drawing, really any sort of crafting and sometimes even cooking.
So, when sitting down to write the story of my daughter's birth I have run into this problem. There are so many details and so many emotions involved in this story. I struggle with what details to write down, when I want to include them all. I struggle with how to describe the intense emotions I have never before felt in my life and may never feel again. I start writing, jump around and then get discouraged and never finish. Well, if I don't finish it now I never will.
The story is imperfect. It doesn't include every single details. It doesn't accurately express the depth of emotions that ran through my heart that day. It barely skims the surface of describing the importance and life-altering magnificence of September 24th. These things I cannot share. These are the things that only I will ever understand. No matter how specific the adjectives I use, you will not be able to share in this moment with me.
The moment I became a mom is mine and God's. It isn't Matt's moment, or the grandparent's moment or the nurses or even Charlotte's moment. They all have their own moments. So, the true emotions of love and excitement and courage and even moments of fear I felt during that whole day cannot be expected to be understood by others. I can only hope you catch a glimpse of what it was like.
*I will be including medical details in this story. I believe they are important. Also, when you have a baby things that you would never want to talk about become totally shareable. The cervix becomes just another body part, a pretty amazing one actually. But, I know some people are grossed out about that. So, there is my warning.*
Here is my story:
On Monday, September 23rd I woke up early to what felt like period cramps. I was mostly annoyed
because I was pretty sure my body was trying to make me think that something was happening only to
let me down. So, I didn't really think much of it. Matt was at work that day. I was home alone waiting
for the baby. So, I got up and went about life. Watching TV, drinking coffee and being annoyed I had
woken up early. The whole time I felt crampy and began to wonder a little if these might be some light
contractions as I felt like they came in waves. I laid down on the couch hoping to take a nap around
noon and I fell asleep for about an hour. When I woke up the contractions went away for awhile. I was
able to do some laundry and talk on the phone in order to distract myself from my annoyance. After an
hour or so they came back. They weren't consistent or timeable so I didn't bother with that. I called
Matt at about 2:00 in the afternoon and told him that there was a possibility that this was it. He worked
until 3:30, so I told him not to hurry home, but if anything changed I would call. I then talked to my
friend Kristin on the phone. In a weird way I cherish this conversation because it was the last normal
conversation I had before I became a mom.
__________
Matt got home from work at about 4:30 that day. It was almost exactly at that time that my contractions
became more consistent. They started to be about 9-11 minutes apart at that point. I told Matt I was
pretty sure this was it. I had heard about other people who were in early labor for days though, so I still
tried to keep the excitement in check. At about 6:30 they started to get a little stronger and painful, up
until that point they didn't really hurt, they were just not super comfortable. They were still about 9-10
minutes apart. Well, I alerted my parents, who were driving down to the hospital that it seemed they
they might need to start packing soon. Matt started to clean. It was hilarious to me. Matt is by NO
means a clean freak. He is quite messy actually. Well, he started to clean our bathrooms and do the
dishes and organize the guest room, and he did all this in super speed. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he
did. But, it was just very out of character. I started to finish packing my hospital bag. Then we settled
in for the night. We watched all of our favorite TV shows. I messaged my sister, best friend and timed
every one with my iPod. At about 8:00 we were completely convinced we would head to the hospital
in only a matter of hours. My contractions were down to 7-8 minutes apart. I admitted I was in labor
and told my most important people that it was only a matter of hours until we would be heading in and
they should officially be on stand by. Then we baked cupcakes for our daughter's birthday.
__________
At about 10:30 Matt went to get some sleep. he had been awake since about 5:30 that morning. So, I
told him to sleep now so we weren't both exhausted. This was when things got real. I was up by
myself. I watched the tonight show and then the late show. Things got painful. This was when I began
to breath through the contractions. I focused on trying to relax during each one and began to pray that
things would hurry up because I didn't want to be doing this at home for another 12 hours. I began to
pace around my living room. Before I knew it I had been pacing around for an hour without pausing.
After midnight there is just absolutely nothing good to watch on antenna TV. I turned on some Grey's
Anatomy reruns. After a couple of episodes I was contemplating waking Matt up. I knew I was
supposed to get to contractions every 3-5 minutes for at least an hour before coming to the hospital. I
was still at 5-6 minutes. So, I waited a little longer. I sat on the toilet, a lot. For some reason this is what
felt the best. Then when I was starting to get pretty tired at about 2:30 I went into Charlotte's room. I
opened up her Charlotte's Web/Stuart Little/Swan book and began to read Stuart Little. I would read a
few pages and then walk a few circles in the room as I got through a contraction. At about 3:30 they
had jumped down to 4-5 minutes apart and I woke Matt up. It was time!!!
__________
Matt and I both took showers. He took his first while I tried to lay down for a few minutes. Then I
hopped in the shower. While in there they seemed to get closer and closer together. After my shower I
packed up the last couple things and we got our bags to the door. At this point Matt was squeezing my
hips during almost every contraction. The last thing I did before leaving was write a note to my
daughter in her book and then we took one last baby bump picture. We head out the door a few
minutes after 4:30 in the morning on September 24th. I labored at home for about 12 hours. Walking
out of our apartment building there was a man coming in. I loved to imagine what we looked like. I
always wanted to be the people going to the hospital in the night with our bags and my huge belly. I am
so happy my contractions slowed down in the car. I only had a couple of contractions on the 20 minute
ride to the hospital, and they were pure hell. It was so hard not to be able to move. So, we caught up
with family and updated them. My parents were on their way and Matt's family was leaving early from
work to get here later in the afternoon. After a 20 minute drive we were there.
__________
We pulled into the parking garage across the street from the hospital. I had had all my doctor's
appointments at this same hospital and we had had our birthing class here as well so I was very familiar
with it. Since it was 5:00am there were only a few cars in the garage so we got a great spot. I walked
slowly through the garage and down the sidewalk. The weather was perfect. It was comfortable, with a
cool breeze in the air. I wanted to enjoy because I knew I would be inside breathing recirculated air for
awhile. My contractions picked up speed again, but were still not quite as strong as they had been. I
had a few while walking into the hospital and up to L&D. When we walked into the L&D unit and up
to the nurses station they asked why we had come in. I told them that hopefully I was having a baby. I
said I better be having a baby. My absolute worst fear was that I would get there and they would tell
me I was closed up tight and there was no baby coming out any time soon. Well, they put me and Matt
in a little room and gave me a gown and got my hooked up to the contraction and heart rate monitor.
Lori was the nurse. She was so nice. Of course the minute I laid down my contractions slowed way
down and got super weak. I told Lori this and promised her they had been much worse before. She left
for a couple minutes and then came back and looked at the paper coming out of the machine and told
me that I was indeed having contractions and baby's heart still looked good. She then did an internal
exam and I was so nervous. She finished up and then sort of laughed at my super nervous face. She
told me I was 3-4 cm dilated, so I would be staying and having a baby. I was so relieved. Her guess
was that the baby would be born by 3:00 that afternoon. She was not very far off. We filled out
a bunch of paperwork and then they got us into our room. Our room was right next to the nurse's
station and that made me happy. Lori got my I V in, which was horrible and there was blood all over.
The first place she tried to stick it in didn't work so she had to do it again. I was sweating and feeling
like I was going to throw up. I don't even really know why, because I am usually ok with needles. So, I
used the oxygen mask. That was the one and only time I needed any sort of "help". Once the I V was
in we were pretty much good to go. Lori showed us where the ice, water and snacks were and then left
us be. I was in labor in the hospital and things were getting serious.
__________
At 7:00 there was the nurse's shift change. Lori left us and Katee became our new nurse. She was
fantastic. I owe so much to that woman. She was 9 months pregnant and this was one of her very last
shifts of work left. She was due the day before before, that Thursday. I told her I was so sorry I was
going first and she must hate me. Katee had 2 other children already so she was a pro at this and on top
of that a L&D nurse so I felt very safe in her hands. A little while after she came in I decided to get in
the jacuzzi tub for awhile. That was glorious. I mean, a jacuzzi tub is great any day of the week, and
during labor was even better. Me and Matt chatted about life and various things and I just basked in the
amazing hot water. After about an hour and a half the water was getting cold and I was getting bored
with sitting. So, I got out of the tub at 8:52. The nurse asked if I wanted another internal done to see if I
had made progress. I said I would. I laid down and she did the check. I was at 6 cm at 9:00 in the
morning. I felt really good about that. Looking back I am surprised I felt so good about it considering I
had only gone about 2 cm during 4 hours of labor. I was still feeling pretty good really. During the
contraction I had to close my eyes and breath through it and sometimes leaned on Matt or had him
squeeze my hips, but in between contractions I felt great and chatted with Matt or the nurses. The back
labor was getting worse during contractions and this left my back sore in between contractions, but
nothing I couldn't pretty much ignore. The nurse kept telling me she couldn't believe how great my
attitude was and how well I was handling everything. She said she couldn't even hardly tell I was in
labor. During this time my parents got to the hospital, around 9:00. After my internal check me and
Matt went on a walk around L&D and out to see them. It was great to see them. We talked for a few
minutes, I told them how I was doing and then my mom prayed for me. That was great and something
I held on to when things started getting harder. So, I went for a few more hours and the doctor came in
to check on me at about 11:00. I was so glad Dr. Powell was the one in the hospital that day. I really
liked her. She talked to me for a bit about how I was doing and watched me go through a few
contractions. Then she left and the fun of labor quickly started to fade.
__________
The next hour things elevated quickly. I started getting a little nauseous and used some essential oils the
nurses had given me. The peppermint one helped with my stomach a little. I just leaned over the
exercise ball and breathed. During the last seven hours in the hospital they had been doing intermittent
fetal monitoring. This was when they would hook me up to the machine and watch how the baby's
heart handled the contractions. Around this time, noonish, the nurse became a tiny bit concerned about
the baby's heart rate. It wasn't necessarily bad, but it just wasn't very clear how she was handling it. So,
at that point she kept me hooked up to the machine. I thought this would just be maybe half an hour or
so. I was wrong about that. Also around noon she did another internal check because things were
starting to hurt so bad. I was at an 8. This probably meant I was in transition, which is supposed to be
the worst part of labor. It was indeed the worst part of labor. So, I was hooked up to the machines,
which meant I couldn't walk around during the worst part. That definitely did not help. I basically just
stood next to my bed and either leaned over the exercise ball on the bed or hung onto Matt's shoulders.
Around this time it became painful for Matt to squeeze my hips, because before that had really helped.
Around 1:00 is when I started saying things like, "I can't do this" and "Make it stop" to Matt. I also
started making super annoying groaning sounds during every contraction. I hated doing that, but just
couldn't help it at that point. I told Matt around this time to talk to me about happy things. Matt was just
awesome. He talked to me about our baby and how smart and beautiful and awesome it was going to
be to have a baby. That helped more than anything else during my whole labor. I also started to play
some music around noon. I played Misty Edwards and her song, "I Knew What I was Getting
Into" It is a prophetic song (written from God's perspective) If you don't know this song here are some
of the lyrics:
Just don't give up.
And don't give in.
If you don't quit. You win, you win.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
It's going to be okay.
Everything is in my hands.
It's going to be alright.
It's going to be Okay.
And you don't have to pretend to be something or someone your not.
Cuz I know you better than that, even better, even better than that.
Listen my Beloved.
Around 1:20 I felt the need to start pushing.
__________
It was a horrible feeling, only because I knew I wasn't allowed to quite yet. I had to be at 10 cm before
I could do that. The nurse checked me and said it looked like I was at about 9.5 cm. She went to get
the doctor. Dr. Powell came in at 1:30. She did another internal check. These last couple checks were
super painful. She said I was at a 9.5, and the only reason I wasn't at a 10 was because the lip of my
cervix was stuck around the baby's head. (Just for the record I totally agree with you that "the lip of my
cervix" is pretty much the grossest thought ever.) So, she asked me if I wanted her to try and move it
with her hand over the baby's head. It hurt so bad with her hand in there, but it hurt more to not push
when I really, really wanted to. So, she tried to move it out of the way. This was the point were I
started to sort of block everything out besides what they were directly saying to me. I had no idea the
time or how long things had been happening. I didn't really pay attention to what other people were
saying to each other. I saw the nurses start to set things up in the room for the baby. A nurse came in
and laid a bunch of stuff down on a table at the foot of my bed. I saw her and watched her talk, but
couldn't hear what she was saying. I don't know if Dr. Powell was able to move the cervix or what. I
didn't have the energy to pay attention. I just know she said she was going to leave to deliver another
baby down the hall. I heard the nurse say it was going to be at least another half hour or forty five
minutes minimum. This was at about 2:00. She then told me I could do some practice pushes. I did and
it was the best feeling I have ever felt in my entire life. It was such sweet, sweet relief. I cannot even
describe it to you. I remember looking at Matt and smiling and saying it felt so good. And I remember
him smiling back saying, "good". Matt was leaning over me and I grabbed his arms and pulled them
hard every time I pushed. I started pushing hard because I told myself this was not going to
take 30-45 minutes. I started peeing all over the place. It was at the same time hilarious and humiliating,
but at that point mostly hilarious. The nurse said that was good because my bladder was probably in
the way anyway so I might as well get that out. At 2:05 my water broke. It hadn't broken at all up to
this point. When it broke it literally just shot out of me and got the nurse a little wet because she didn't
have quite enough time to jump totally out of the way. That was a brief moment of humor to me. The
nurse leaned over by my head and told me there was meconium in the water so she was going to call a
special team in and they were going to check out the baby right away to make sure she was ok, but I
shouldn't be worried. She then came down by my feet and grabbed her walkie-talkie and told the Dr.
to get here right away because the baby's head was coming out. The doctor ran into the room a minute
later and told me to stop pushing otherwise I was going to tear badly. I stopped for a couple moments,
that was the worst. And the very next push my baby slid into the world, her hand by her head.
__________
The moment my baby came out didn't hurt at all. In fact, I would say it almost felt good. It was hands
down the best second of my life, and if I could pick one moment to happen over again, that is the one I
would pick. It was such an odd, slipper sensation. They immediately took her over to the warming
table and as they placed her on the table she started to cry. I looked at Matt and he had tears in his eyes.
That is the only time I have ever seen him with tears in his eyes. He leaned in close to me and kissed
me and then I told him to get over there by his baby. He went over to where she was. I lied in bed and
watched what they were doing, although I pretty much just saw this mean lady's back. There were two
NICU nurses working on her. I asked how she was. My awesome nurse, Katee told me that there was
something a tiny bit concerning about her lungs. She tried to explain it to me, but I really didn't
understand. To this very day I don't really get it. From what little I understand there was something
wrong with her lungs, that may or may not have had to do with the meconium. It was causing her to
take shallow, gasping breaths instead of normal breaths. Matt was looking at her smiling and the
calmness of Katee helped me to remain calm and know that my baby was going to be ok. The doctor
delivered my placenta a couple minutes later. She asked if I wanted to see it. I did. It was awesome. I
could see the sack that Charlotte had been in. Dr. Powell told me that I only had a small 1st degree
tear. She said I could go without stitches, but if she put a couple in I would heal faster. I told her to go
ahead with the stitches. So she numbed me up an stitched me up. They put an I V of pitocin in to help
my uterus contract back to normal. The mean NICU nurse said they needed to take Charlotte. I asked
if Matt could go with. They said they needed to do a couple things but he could come to the NICU in
about half an hour. The nice NICU nurse said there was time for me to hold her for a minute and get a
picture. I held her and looked at her sweet face and some nurse took our picture. I gave her a couple of
kisses and told her I loved her and they put her back in the little box thing and took her away. The
doctor gave me some ibuprofen and my nurse said goodbye to me, because her
shift was up. And all of a sudden we were alone.
__________
If the moment my baby came out was the best in my life, than the moment they took her away was the
worst in my life. I had kept it together for the last 21 hours of labor. I had never had one moment of
fear or anger. (pain, yes) The moment we were alone I started to cry. Matt held me in his arms as I
cried and told him that I missed her and this wasn't how it was supposed to be. I told him it wasn't fair. He
let me cry. I had spent the last 9 months with her, every second of the day. All of a sudden, against my
will, she was gone. The new nurse came in and told me to order food and after an hour here I could be
moved to the recovery floor upstairs and then go see my baby in the NICU. I ordered a cheeseburger
and realized I was starving. I told Matt I wanted my mom. So, Matt left and got my parents and then
him and my dad went to see Charlotte in the nursery. I felt much better then knowing she wasn't alone
with a bunch of strangers who were just hurting her and didn't love her. My mom sat with me as I ate
my cheeseburger and I told her about the labor and delivery. In a little while the nurse came in and told
me I should get up and go to the bathroom and change my gown. I went into the bathroom on shaky
legs. So much blood. That is all I am going to say about that. I came out and the nurse had a
wheelchair waiting for me. She said if I wanted we could make a quick stop in the NICU before going
up to recovery. I said definitely yes. This was a little after 3:00 now. My mom came with me and Matt
was there too. I cried seeing my baby hooked up to all the machines with a little bloody I V in her
wrist. My mom prayed for our baby and we laid hands on her, including my nurse. Then it was time to
go up to recovery. I got all settled in and my parents left. Matt's family arrived around then. I went
down to the NICU in the wheelchair and held my baby for as long as I could. She was tiny and
awesome and there are no words to truly describing looking at your baby's face after 8 months of
wondering about her. It was all things good. Then at about 7:00 I went to get a couple hours of sleep
for the first time in 36 hours. That was also all things good.
__________
About 24 hours after being born our daughter was released from the NICU and came up to our room for the next 24 hours, before going home. Sometimes, even seven weeks later I remember what it was like to be away from her and to see her being poked and crying in pain the next day. Even if it is 3:00 in the morning and my baby is sleeping I will go in her room and look at her and rub her head and tell her I won't ever let anyone ever take her again.
My labor was in many ways probably one of the easiest ever. I had 21 hours of labor from the start of early labor to the end. Only about 3 of those were truly the unbearable pain you associate with childbirth. I consider that pretty good. I went into the journey hoping very hard for a medication free natural birth. That is exactly what I got and I thank God that I was able to do that, and that there were no complications that ruined that for me. The first 24 hours of my child's life were not what I had planned. They were exhaustingly heartbreaking and also had some very angry moments. But, I came through it appreciating my daughter even more than I would without that hard part. I hear about other babies going into the NICU and I pick her up and hold her close and kiss her head and thank God she isn't there any more.
I have never felt closer to God then when I was giving birth. I clung to him harder than I ever have. In the moments that it hurt too bad to even speak I closed my eyes and spoke to him. I felt him close to me in a more tangible way than I ever have before or have since. I give him the glory. He has never let me down before and certainly did not on September 24th, 2013. He has showered me with gifts and blessings my whole life and that day was just another to add to the
I should also add that September 24th is my mom's birthday and the day we wanted her to be born. In fact at the end my family was so sure she was going to be born that day that they were pretty much planning on it. God just loves my family that much. Happy birthday mom!
To answer one question:
A few people have asked me to describe what a contraction feels like. They are different for everyone, but here is how I would describe it. It feels like I was being squeezed to death by some machine with a sort of claw arm. I was being squeezed from right under my boobs down to my knees in the front and back and sides. There is my lovely bizarre description.
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| First family photo taken by the random nurse |
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| VERY first photo taken of me and Charlotte |
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| VERY first photo taken of Matt and Charlotte and the first time he held her |
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| Out of the NICU and first time holding her not attached to a million wires |
