My Breastfeeding Story

 

Five years ago if you had asked me to make a list of places I didn't think I would end up I would have said at a breastfeeding awareness walk. It would have been listed between a Japanese anime conference and a Scottish hurling competition. I was never against breastfeeding. I thought it was a lovely and practical part of having a baby. It seemed simple enough. Free baby food. What's the big deal? Why on Earth do we need rallys and walks and clubs? I pictured a happy well rested mother cradling her sweet round baby. They would gaze into each other's eyes. The baby would eat for five minutes every two or three hours. The rest of the day would be spent snuggling and playing.

Oh, pre baby Hattie was such an idiot.

I knew I was going to try and breastfeed my baby when I was pregnant. I knew that formula is a great alternative and perfectly healthy. (I refuse to be a formula shaming mom.) But, I liked the plus side to breastmilk. It is free, it has benefits like helping to avoid allergies and it would help me burn some extra calories also the thought of cleaning 6 or 7 bottles a day made me want to throw up.

The day Charlotte was born I brought my boppy, nursing bras and shirts, nipple cream and breast pads to the hospital. I was blissfully unaware of what lay ahead. When Charlotte was born I got to hold her for about 30 seconds before she was rushed off to the NICU for chest x-rays, oxygen monitoring, etc. I did not get to nurse her moments after birth like I was hoping to. It was another hour before I could see her again, but not hold her and it was another hour after that when I could finally hold her in my arms. I was overhwelmed and confused. I didn't understand what was happening. I was intimidated by the absolutely horrible NICU nurse. I didn't get to nurse Charlotte for probably about 4 hours after she was born. I pumped a lot. She was in the NICU for about 24 hours. I fed her a few times and pumped lots. I hated that pump. My nipples were completely raw and felt like they were on fire. The awful NICU nurse gave my baby formula. She gave her formula without asking me. And then told me giving her formula would get her out of the NICU faster. For the record, that is a horrible thing to tell a mom. Of course I wanted her out if there as fast as possible. I would do anything. Eventually they replaced the formula with the milk I had pumped. I think the fact that I wasn't able to nurse is part of what made the next two months horrific. My nipples hurt so bad from the pump that we were giving her about half milk and half formula for the next couple days. I just couldn't do it. I would just sit there and cry it hurt so bad.

Some awful times were spent in this chair with that breast pump.

Matt taking his turn

 

Eventually the pain was tolerable. It still hurt, really bad, but I wasn't weeping in pain. After that I felt claustrophobic and chained to my chair. This baby wanted to eat all the time. It was not magical. It was annoying. I did not feel some special bond. I felt antsy. In that moment I felt like it would stretch into eternity. I would be sitting on my couch with a nursing baby for the rest of my life and beyond. The timing was unpredictable. I was uncomfortable feeding her in public. And the sound of here cry in the night would inevitably make me cry as well. We were still supplementing with formula once or twice a day, usually once during the day and once at night. Matt would take one shift at night, and give her a bottle so that I could get a solid 4 or 5 hours a night, it is the only thing that kept me sane.

Charlotte was a sleepy eater the first couple weeks. Daddy needed to help keep her awake.

My milk supply was touch and go for the first couple months as well so I would usually end up giving her one bottle during the day as well so I knew she was getting enough. Around 2 months old her pediatrician, who is a lactation specialist suggested trying fenugreek supplements. They are nasty capsules that made my whole body reek of maple syrup, but they worked wonders for my supply. I wasn't afraid of her not getting enough anymore. Also, around the 2 month mark the constant breastfeeding faded, as well as the awful pain every time she would nurse. I had made it through the worst. My goal of making it to a year seemed possible.

 

This is not to say the next 8 months were easy. There have definitely been times I have wanted to give up. It is tiresome at times. But, now that I am so close to my goal I don't plan on stopping now. I'm not sure when I will wean Charlotte. There are times I want to cut her off the day after her first birthday. There are other times when the thought of stopping all our snuggle fests make me want to cry and I think I will nurse her until kindergarten. I guess we will just take it one day at a time.

I have so much loved the snuggles these last 10 months. Charlotte is not by nature a very snuggly baby. The only times she will lay with me and snuggle is when I am feeding her. Because of that I am so grateful for nursing. Because of the joy that nursing has brought me I want others to have the chance to experience this same thing. I want to let others know that it might be really, really hard at first. I want to tell them to not give up if it is hard. I want to tell them it might be worth it to try a little longer. I want to tell them that even if they are pressured by others to just give up, or to not even try, they still can. I want it to be normal and accepted. I want others to see how beautiful it can be, even if it is not beautiful all the time.

Without further delay. Some of my most treasured pictured. Pictures of me feeding my love.

 

 

 

So, this brings us to the breastfeeding walk. This week is national breastfeeding week. The Milwaukee breastfeeding coalition has a walk every year as well as a latch on. Basically a bunch of people... moms, dads, babies, kids, aunts, grandmas, friends met up at a beautiful community garden. We mingled, snacked and adored babies for awhile. Then, all the breastfeeding moms took a seat under the pavilion. At exactly 10:30 we all fed our babies at the same time, until 10:31. This is done in an attempt to break a record. After we finished up with that we all walked a few blocks to the local farmers market where we snacked some more and watched a performance about healthy eating for the kids.

Why did I go? If you are a mom you might understand. Being a mom is just about the most thankless thing someone can do. No one sees what I do all day. No one says thanks all day long. I clean the dishes, change diapers, soothe owies, pick up guinea pig poop, buy the groceries, take trips to the doctor's office and a million other things every single day. No one says "good job, you really did an awesome job vacuuming the floor today! I know you didn't want to, but you did it anyway. You didn't want your baby to find something and eat it so you vacuumed so diligently." I heard about this walk and decided to go. I wanted a pat on the back. I wanted to be around people who understood how difficult breastfeeding can be, or just how difficult being a mom can be. So, I went and I felt proud of myself. They said good job. They said thanks for giving your baby your absolute best. Young women and old women and even men were there to say thanks for all those hours of sitting on your couch crying in pain. They were there'd to say good job making a decision and sticking to it even when it was really hard.

I am proud of myself. In this last year I have done so many hard things. I have learned a valuable lesson about self sacrifice and commitment. Lessons like that are hard, but so worth it in the end.

So, now that this is the longest blog post in the history of blogs I will conclude. Here are pictures from the breastfeeding walk. It was awesome!

 

 

 

 

Oh, and possibly the biggest perk of the event... everyone got free t-shirts. Charlotte even got a onsie!

 

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